Slumpy

The past few days have been slightly uncomfortable. My thoughts haven’t been the chipper, positive ones I usually have running in the back of my mind. I feel a bit scattered, both in my actions and my thinking. It’s been hard to focus on one thing because there are so many things swirling around in the growing mental to-do list, and an even longer one on paper.

There’s my writing, of course, and I realize in order to grow a readership I need to post something more than once a month on my website. With a travelogue coming up for publication, I know how vital it is for a self-published author to have people who are actually interested and maybe even excited to read what’s coming next.

And so I feel tired from all of the must do’s and should do’s. Freelance writing is an ongoing search and pitch for some income, Google ads campaigns to direct people to my audio program on healing from heartbreak, editing the travelogue manuscript (which is not going well because I’m soooo busy), my Mac disc is almost full, alerting me every 6 minutes, and my house in California still hasn’t sold. Do I post, pin, edit, vlog, advertise, monetize or just write - and trust the money will follow?

Add into my mental muck a glob of the green envy monster. I’ve just been in a funk, feeling a bit like the dream of supporting myself as a writer isn’t meant to be mine. I read stories about authors who casually start blogs and get book deals, others who say they didn’t consider themselves writer’s at all who got movie deals. And then there’s the YouTube girl who makes $100,000 a MONTH from videos where she folds her long tongue and makes faces . . .

Is that what I should be doing? Making faces on video? It’s disheartening to me that my one video of the cops harassing me in Ohio on the RV trip has the most views. I don’t want conflict and drama in my life! I’ve worked really hard to eliminate that shit from my experience. But it does get discouraging when I see the popularity of what I would consider banal or sophomoric content.

The envy monster has reared up while watching some awesome videos from young van-lifers who are traveling, some in Panama, and taping their expeditions with great camera equipment and drones. The editing they do is first-rate and they are wide-eyed 20 somethings living and loving their lives. They’re making money from their YouTube channels, have tons of engagement, seem to have mastered the Amazon Affiliates program that I got kicked out of for inactivity, and they have swag to sell and patrons who support them. And so I wonder if I should be vlogging instead of writing. And then I remember that from my eight months on the road in the RV I only posted 3 videos! And I remind myself that I’m a writer. That’s what I’ve wanted to be since I was a young girl, a young woman and now a middle-aged woman.

The biggest impact from watching these young traveler’s videos is a reminder that my youth is behind me. This is not necessarily a negative, rather, I can use that awareness to tune into the youthful dreams and desires that still live within all of us but get sequestered into silence as we age, have families, responsibilities and financial obligations. But I don’t have kids or aging parents, no mortgage or car payment. Creating my own abundant financial flow has historically been a challenge in my life. But when I chose the road less traveled that’s the variable that came with the journey. I’ve learned from experience that money does not equate to happiness and contentment, and my peace of mind is worth more than any decimal point. But you all know how much more freedom having those financial resources adds to your life - and I want that.

Watching those travel videos inspire me to answer the call to adventure that I seek, the one that’s woven it’s way through the patterns in my life, inviting me out to play in innocence and curiosity, and at times putting me in harms way, but the life experiences I’ve had have always contributed to my growth and spiritual expansion.

Patience and persistence. This is the guiding message from writing my thoughts this morning. Expressing my feelings has created space for renewed energy to flow, giving me the fuel to keep writing. Just keep writing.

And though that call for adventure has me intrigued, I’ve given myself a strict ground rule; I can’t go out to play until my manuscript is publish-ready. This will be months as I’m only on my first edit. Perhaps part of what I’m feeling is some antsy-ness in knowing I need to stay put and finish something before I can go on to the next thing. Like I felt as a kid with homework to finish while sitting at the kitchen table but I was distracted by the curiosity of what was going on outside in the neighborhood; was there a tree to climb, a bug to catch, a bike to ride or a game of let’s pretend or kick the can?

Years ago, my coach told me one of the challenges I needed to face was focus. As in, Follow One Course Until Successful. What I tend to do, in my attempt to earn income, is scatter my efforts in a million different directions; affiliate marketing, pinterest and other social media engagement with links to my online programs, vlogging, learning Internet marketing tactics, submitting bids for freelance work, trying to create my own work and always opening the door for coaching clients who never quite seem to find their way.

Perhaps this is the Universe’s way of showing me the path to my keyboard, because I have plenty of time to write if I made that my sole focus.

No links. No videos. No call to action. What would happen if I just kept it simple?